Heaven.

I haven't slept well the last few nights. I have been in some kind of limbo. I don't think it's worry that I feel, it's something deeper and darker and more mysterious. It covers me with an even, cold weight. I lay awake and try to sort through it's layers. I try and articulate what it is exactly. I try to give words to the feelings. It's not always easy to do. Perhaps stress is a much broader human sickness than I thought. It circles the Universe. It coats our lives. I am quite sure it was stressful running from Dinosaurs. I am quite sure it was stressful trying to avoid the various plagues that have scorched the earth and all it's inhabitants over these thousands of years. I am quite sure it's been stressful being a person no matter what year you fell through the veil of heaven to live here.


I have so many changes I want to make. Everyday I wake up and say to myself, today will be different. Today I'll do the things that I keep putting off. It's a vicious type of failure. It repeats itself over and over. Failure comes up with the sun and sinks with it at dusk. Maybe it's been all the rain here. I don't find it soothing. I find it maddening.


I need to just look for the shards of light and lay down in them.
Everyday is a new opportunity. It's just hard to see it sometimes. It's hard to glimpse into a different day. A better day.


I am usually very emotionally consistent. I don't find my self rising and falling, but rather, slipping from side to side. When I do fall however, it's very long and very far. I don't stay there for long, but usually the damage is done and you spend weeks getting back to where you were. It's so weird being a person.